Friday

I just had to take a small break here and say a few words about this girl. 
I have been reminded several times lately of how I will probably someday regret spending all of my "free" time editing photos of her, and next to no time taking videos and/or keeping a diary of all the funny things she says at this magical age. 
When she was two, I was a great one for saying "What terrible twos? This is the BEST age ever!"
Until, that is, she turned three, and proceeded to become even more awesome by the day, until I can hardly remember how amazing she was at two. 
What will become of me when she turns four, I wonder? 
Her name is Flynn, by the way, for those who don't already know. Or at least Flynn is the name that we decided to give her when we started the process of adopting her. Because others in our family have started out in one country and ended up in another, have changed their names back and forth at different stages of life, we always intended to give her a choice of names. So that legally, she has at least three.
In many ways, Flynn turns out to suit her perfectly. She is an inveterate tomboy, a daredevil, and an honorary pirate. And yet, although we expected to call her Flynn once she came to the US, we started out calling her Q in China, and have called her Q ever since. Q being my blog abbreviation for her Chinese name. Having been born with a cleft, with continuing surgeries, she is unable at this point to pronounce certain sounds, her name being among those. So that for the past year or two she has called herself "Hee-hee" and then "Hoo-hoo" as her pronunciation has evolved.
At this point, I do not see myself calling her anything but Q in the immediate future, even though I can well imagine her calling herself Flynn as she enters her teens or even tweens. 
But I digress. 
My real point in this post is to explain that I am completely and utterly besotted with this girl in every imagineable way. Every day I love her more desperately, and it's more and more difficult to come up with words that express my devotion to her. 
 On an ordinary day, she is like a low-grade fever for me, hovering over my consciousness and exerting her narcotic powers over my limbic brain. 
And then, at odd moments, I am knocked out at the knees by an overwhelming fear of losing her. It's like a dart gun to the back of my spine, and a terrible voice deep inside me screams "I cannot lose this child!" and "Come anywhere near her and I will rip your eyeballs out with my bare hands!"
Yes, I would take a bullet for her. Yes, I would give up all my hopes and dreams for her. In a heartbeat. Without hesitating.
Part of me says that any mother would do that for any child, but another part of me says that no one has ever loved a child this much in the history of mankind. 
Honestly, I don't know what to believe. I am drugged. I am besotted. I will never be the same again.
Somehow, this amazing child came into my life, and I can never do enough to deserve her.
That smile, that voice, that laugh. Greater than gold. Greater than rubies. 
She is a diamond as big as the Ritz.
There are no words.

23 comments:

alexandra said...

Terriblement attendrissant :o)

miz-bag said...

what a beautiful post, the love you feel for this lucky little girl means.....quite simply you are her mother, and from the look of it she couldn't have asked for a better one x

Rebekka Seale said...

Oh, my goodness. I loved reading this so much!!

Jeanne-ming said...

Oh, I do think there are words. And dearest Maia, you use them well. The love you have for Q is mango juice, is almost burns the lips for hours after you suck and pluck and squseze all the juice out of that wondrous Garden of Eden fruit. (pretty sure it was not an apple)

I follow the goings on of Q in part because she is an impish girl, but mostly because to watch and read and see how much her mother loves her is the sweetest taste of all.

I wonder. Did my mother love me like you love Q? I hope she adored me one tenth as much and that gave me legs to stand in the world.

Maia darling....such a good Mommy. You were obviously well loved yourself.

Natalie Thiele said...

I believe it! She is amazing, even from here. I taught first grade for years and saw many personalities. There were some marvels; artists, creative thinkers, gentle souls, unbelievably empathetic children, sophisticated ones, etc.
I don't recall, though, seeing as much wit, sophistication and style, all in one child, and I have never seen Q in action!
I hope you will post a video of Q. It would be such a treat!

Yanyan said...

There are no words to express my feeling after reading this, maybe there is one that is love.

uma said...

I think I understand. I have found myself thinking similar thoughts about my daughter. It is like having a slight happy fever everyday!
Thanks for finding these words...

Yoli said...

I love when you get inspired to write about your feelings towards the Q. Like Jeanne-Ming said, her love is like Mango juice to you. I know what a profound relationship you have with your Mum. All that love and admiration. I see this for both you and little Q. A legacy of love.

Please put that picture in your profile.

ChantaleP said...

That is complete and utter sweetness! *melt*

rosanguyen said...

Flynn, I like it! Though I'll somewhat miss calling her Q. But if she cannot pronounce her own name, then it shouldn't be. :)

Tamara said...

I think this post probably belongs in that diary (or at least saved for posterity).

Juniper said...

It is nice to read the honest thoughts of a mother sometimes, in her adoration and awe of her child. Feel like through your words Q has been painted for us in the blog world so clearly that even we think we know this little spirited pirate.

The Wanderers' Daughter said...

Don't worry, Rosa, she'll be able to pronounce it. Another surgery or two and she will be able to pronounce most of the sounds she has trouble with for now. She'll be able to choose for herself as time goes on which of her names she prefers, which is as it should be.

Jae said...

I stumbled upon your blog (referred by another) and encountered this post. I feel extremely lucky that I have been browsing new blogs on the day this entry was written.
It's a beautiful feeling when I get inspiration from people I've never met, and I want to thank you for giving me this special moment.
I envy people who can verbalise such powerful feelings in words that carry a genuine tone.
It's a truly lovely post. I think I'm going to ring my mum tonight. :)

Knoopjes said...

Beautiful words, you have given such a spot on description of what motherhood means to me. Thank you!

"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage." -Lao Tse

sonoko said...

I am happy to know wanderful family.I always feel your endless love for her from your posts.

Capucha said...

Oh Maia, you made me cry. Thank you for putting in beautiful words what I thought was impossible to describe.
Much love to you and Q,
Anne

Christiane said...

Lorsque tu parles ainsi de ton amour pour little Q, j'ai les larmes aux yeux...

The Wanderers' Daughter said...

Anne, your blog describes the very same thing in images ;)

FDChief said...

I cried when I read this. Both because I know how close you have come to losing little QQ, and for the way I feel when I think of my own little lost girl.

Please give her an extra hug for that baby girl so far away.

Carole Cerasi said...

That was so beautifully put...I'll read it again and again because it puts into words what I feel for my Hâuie (adopted at 7 weeks old from Vietnam, now 9.5 years old).
About names: I always wanted to name my daughter Aurélia, thinking it would make a good bilingual name (actually, it turns out that although it's perfectly normal in French — my language — it's extremely unusual in England). Her Vietnamese name is Hâu, and this turned into Hâuie (pronounced Howie). We have somehow never used any other name for her, but when she started school, I felt her European name simplified matters, rather than having to explain how to spell the name, how to pronounce it, and why she has it. My husband was worried she'd get confused, but it's never been a problem. In fact, it's given her school self a sort of dignity and independence which is very her.
One last thing: we received your print, and LOVE it!! It's remaining hidden until July, for her birthday. If the second adoption comes through (and now it looks like it will, although we lost the amazing toddler we thought would be ours for 2.5 months and are waiting for a sweet 1.5 month old instead), I'll treat myself to another of your prints. They're absolutely beautiful!
Sorry for the long post — it's after 3.30am, I lose my grip on things!

Carole Cerasi said...

Oh, one more little thing. I found the ages between 2.5 and 5.5 to be absolute perfection: they're a blissful combination of sophistication and innocence, independence and closeness. After that, although your mutual love doesn't change, they don't need you in quite the same way, nor should they. You're just as close, but they don't always want to remember that. So enjoy this magical phase of your relationship!

kitchu said...

how i missed this post i don't know, but i'm so glad your site is one i come back to often, just to get a glimpse of that magic that has you under it's spell- Q herself.

i have said it too many times, but one more is never really too much i suppose- your love for her is extra.ordinary and i am daily inspired by it.